I lie to myself a lot, it is what has brought me the weight to begin with. I denied my rape, that was the first lie. I walked away from work I loved and said it didn’t bother me, that was the second lie. It took me many years to admit both of those statements were lies to myself. Denying the first was out of shame and a desperate need to keep the job I loved. The second lie I justified because I was lied to so many times and treated with disrespect which I allowed that it felt like walking away from my dream was standing up for myself to a company that bullied me. Could there have been another way to deal with it? Maybe, I’m not sure, I felt at the time it was the only option. It was a pattern in my life though to walk away from pain. I did not see how confronting it would have made any difference. I did try but felt no one listened even though I made many phone calls to reach my boss, there were no replies, no help, no reassurances, no compassion and no love. For a human potential development seminar organization built on the saying “world peace one mind at a time’, it made me doubt my work and my worth. We can’t control situations and people around us, we can only control our reaction to them. How do we know when our reaction is in our best interests truly? How do we know when we need to walk away and when we need to stand and fight? How do we know what is the lie and what is the truth in a situation? We are told follow our heart, only our mind clouds what our heart feels. If we become weary of the fight, that everything seems to be an uphill battle, when there is no one who listens and no help to guide us, our heart becomes shut down and the mind takes over…if I can’t feel it I will reason it out. We shut down on the pain and walk away – mentally or physically – either way we start lying to ourselves and saying it doesn’t matter. “I don’t care” used to be my mantra, now it is “It doesn’t matter”, when in fact I do care and it does matter…to me, if not to anyone else. I have this big war going on right now with my fitness program and where I have gone is into hiding from myself. It doesn’t matter that my food choices are limited to say the least. It doesn’t matter whether I exercise every day or not. It doesn’t matter whether I lose weight or not. It doesn’t matter that I have no support…that’s God’s job…haha back to my anger at God issues again? So bringing up the lies I told myself before, brings up the real issues behind the lies…abandonment, unlovable, attached to expectations. Interestingly enough I have always felt since I was a child that I would be supported, cared about, taken care of, and most of all loved…I came into this life with that notion. What didn’t come with me from my last life is that if we are always looking for this outside of ourselves, we are looking in the wrong place. It is not out there. It is only in here…in our hearts. God is the only one who can give us all of this, and God lives in our hearts. I know God has His arms around me, the problem is I can’t feel them, you know like you can feel a friends or a lover’s. It’s interesting because I was thinking about this the other day and trying to imagine God’s arms around me. I am not very good at that, I guess that’s why God sends us people in our lives…to be His arms, and His words. Also, we only get back what we put out, and it only comes when we need it not when we want it. Attachment to outcome, even when it’s God, won’t get me farther up the ladder. So the struggle within myself these last few weeks has been to become God in my life, to recognize I am the only one who can reassure myself I am loved and it isn’t outside but inside I need to look further and deeper to find it. No one cares, get over it. God cares, get into it. Time to tell myself the truth about everything, my weight, my body, my life. There is a thread missing here, it’s what difference does it make in the scheme of things? What difference do I make? That’s the underlying question, if it’s all God what difference does it make really what we do or don’t do, think or don’t think, believe or don’t believe? Is that why we are told to “Know Thyself”? I got some answers on the LA freeway one day several years ago, to a couple of life’s most important questions – What is the meaning of life? and What is the purpose of our existence? Luckily I was stuck in traffic so had time to write down the answers:
Question: What is the meaning of life? Answer: What meaning we give to it.
Question: What is the purpose of our existence? Answer: To give
Simple isn’t it? So when I am plagued with my mind searching for the meaning to all this, I just do the following: think of reaching God as the meaning, and to give by being of service. I have no other answers than that.
Many Blessings! Love Love Love, Sandra
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