I had a meltdown last night. It was realizing how an experience I had 28 years ago affected my weight. I realized today in meditation why it got me where I am today and experiencing the programs I have today that are still standing in my way of moving forward in my work and on my spiritual path. A couple of reasons or more really:
I had to clear my need for attention which I was showed clearly at Christmas I still had, and I had to clear it NOW for what is to come in the future if I am to go further in the work I have come here to do and go forward with the Mission I have come here to complete. My need for attention – wanting to be a part of and fearing the loss of that is what will bring to me more of the same event that happened 28 years ago. My teacher is working at helping me see that this program I bought as a very small child is what brought to me that event, and will bring me there again except in an even bigger way this time if I don’t clear it now.
I needed the experience so I could teach others from my own experience. I also needed the experience so I could learn to trust my teacher implicitly and trust that he would always be there physically protecting me because I felt in the past he could have protected me but instead he abandoned me. Yet yesterday I was telling a friend how our teacher will not and cannot step in and protect us from an experience we are here to experience, a karmic event that is here to teach us a very powerful lesson we can only get from experiencing the event, or we will not reach enlightenment. That experience and cleansing is what will bring me to enlightenment once I get past it because it was the culmination of a lifetime of believing I needed attention and acknowledgement in order to be loved or feel loved. I have always felt unloveable. I have always craved attention to feel I was loved, so I could see how much others loved me, it was my gauge. I always wanted to be a part of something great and be recognized for being there as it showed I was important, that I was needed, that then of course it meant that I was loved. Loved in spite of how I treated others, in spite of whether I loved myself or not, in spite of whether I felt I deserved it. I felt as long as I worked hard I deserved it, that somehow that was FAIR. Not how I loved and accepted others, I didn’t love and accept others, I judged others, I was constantly comparing how important I was to how high a position I held. I was constantly comparing myself and judging myself as good or bad based on how high I rose and how that compared to where others were at. I constantly judged myself on whether people listened to what I had to say, whether they took my advice, ALL was comparing and judging myself as worthy or lacking, as good or bad, as loveable or unloveable.
WHO AM I but the same as God, therefore whatever I believe I am I become. If I believe I have as much right as God does to my opinion, then I am God. We are ALL GOD though and we are all entitled to our opinion, as God, because they are ALL GOD’s opinions – whether society judges them right or wrong, good or bad, light or dark – makes no difference. Every opinion is God’s opinion, every act is God’s act, every word is God’s word, every person is God. Therefore there is no separation, there is no condemnation in the Eyes of Creator because in the Eyes of Creator we are all Creator and we are all creating and we only have one place to end up and that’s back joined together with God.